( alternatively:

( alternatively:

what if it— IT. 

the originating failure of my adult life, those first months of college. the acting out, the risk-taking, the substance abuse, the shaving my head of coveted blond hair, the rejection of a boy I'd always wanted to want me.

was not (just) a series of idiotic mistakes or a pathetic meltdown i will never move past.

what if it was an act of courage.

inchoate and dangerous, muddled and dysfunctional. culminating in a really, really sad cry for help. but. what if it was an attempt at more than self-extinguishing. what if I was trying to reach towards a new way of being.

what if I can still see her. girl 17, shorn and defiant. what if I can hold her. that faint flame still undoused. and what if I can reach again. )